The Visit, The Doctor, The Results

Office Visit: Over all it wasn't as bad as I had pictured it in my mind. In my mind I was going to start hyperventilating and be carried into her office causing a scene..Shame! When I first got there I rushed up to the secretaries desk so I could get the intros over, coward in a corner chair somewhere with my book and block my surroundings out until my name was called... I think I scared the shit out of her because she jumped slightly and I chuckled when I realized what happened...Once I sat down I realized the woman around me were obviously Prego’s but not that far along...That made me feel better because I could pretend I was at a regular Dr's office... I did spot a baby that was about the age Micah would have been but I didn't make to much eye contact. CN and I were flipping through some mags and we were laughing because I was comparing myself to the skinny models in them and telling him I’m planning on getting that skinny>>NOT!! I found it better to just focus on joking around with him and putting everything else out of my mind until my name was called.

The Doctor: I have spent the last 4 months being very angry with this doctor. I felt like she didn’t do everything possible to make sure I had a life baby … especially since she has the statistics of how often this can happen. I felt neglected because I was reading blogs where doctors and midwifes were making contact to see how they were doing and I got nothing. But yesterday I saw her differently she was very professional and calming, she was very open, very kind, thoughtful, and very very sorry for what happened to my baby. She said if we chose to go down this road again I would be under the care of a high-risk doctor along with my choice of OB, they would monitor me very closely (ultrasounds) and run more test. She said if we didn't feel comfortable coming back to her she wouldn't be offended and would understand. In all she wants us to have a successful pregnancy... I walked out of there no longer feeling that same anger I had for her all these months. I don't know right now if she'll be my choice of OB but, she has redeemed herself somewhat and renewed some hope..

Results: There were signs of hemorrhage around the placenta, signs of a slight placental abruption and the placenta was very small for the amount of weeks (38). So pretty much my placenta shut down and stopped taking care of Micah. I can't help but think what I have been thinking all along. That I knew something was up but I just couldn't put my finger on it. I never felt comfortable about not having a late ultrasound but, I never thought in a million years that Micah's life depended on it...never. I blame this on human error all around. Me and the Dr.. Two healthy pregnancies does not guarantee consistent healthy pregnancies and these Dr's know that. I mean I did everything right.EVERYTHING!! My daughter should NOT be dead..And to know that it could have been as simple as an ultrasound days before that would have changed this whole outcome is crushing.

Thanks to everyone for all your words of encouragement .. You're always so helpful and it's so nice to be part of a club that always has your back no matter what.. Going back to that office was a huge step for me..Huge!! I was so close to cancelling but knew I had to face it if I wanted answers .. I'm so glad I went.. There are only a handful of things I can do to mother my Micah and this was one of them..thanks again