I don't really have much to say lately..I always feel like a broken record, not in this blog but in my head. My thoughts are always the same .. I miss Micah, I yearn for her and I have flashbacks of the hospital and pregnancy, flashbacks of those weeks after when I was floating in some hazy despair..I'm still in a despair it's just different somehow..Not as dream like. The shock that this really happened to me is subsiding and now It's like my eyes are so open to what has happened over the last 4 months.
Folks I buried my daughter. The baby I was looking so forward to.. The baby I couldn't wait to hold, she was put in a beautiful white coffin. I was so curious of who she was going to look like and what color eyes she was going to have..I couldn't wait to hear her cry, smell her hair and I wanted so much to watch CN in action ..Being a daddy..And what I got to see was him carry her casket to the burial grounds and now it's all just gone. Like the whole pregnancy, stillbirth, funeral and afterlife were just a dream/nightmare.
Tomorrow I’m going back to my OB's office for the placenta results... I'm dreading this with every piece of my heart and soul.. I don't want to go. To know or not to know, either way it's not going to change anything. It's not like when I walk out of the office tomorrow I'll be myself again and everything will miraculously be back to normal...I wish that were the case.
No, tomorrow I get to go back to the same office where I heard Micah's heartbeat for the last time.. and I get to be surrounded by pregnant women who one by one will line up to take their pee sticks and get weighed as they pat their bellies in happiness and glee unaware of the horror that could be their life ... My life
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9 comments:
when i went for post-op appts, it was at the doc's office not the midwife's. thank god, because i don't think i could have managed going to the same place. i have a panic attack/cry just driving past the exit for the ultrasound place.
i really thought as time passed it would get easier, farther away. the opposite is happening. i am now convinced that the only thing to do is try to figure out how i feel RIGHT NOW, and go with that. i can't expect the future to bring anything but the unknowable...so i'm not going to try.
is there any way you can have a telephone appointment?
I called this morning after reading your comment and they don't give results over the phone...This makes me very angry..
I guess i'll just look at this as another wall to climb..another obstacle of many to get through..Thanks for trying to make this easier for me Charm
How horrible that they make you go back to the same place. Even now, I shudder when I have to go back to the clinic. It's beyond ridiculous that they don't give results over the phone. Is there some kind of patient advocate you can complain to? Because this is just cruel.
I had to go back to my doc's office when my daughter got strep less than a month after C@llum died. The receptionist saw me and took me to a room immediately so that I would not have the bear the blissfully pregnant and the live, crying babies. I haven't been back since. I don't want to go back.
I hope it goes okay for you today, Rosalind. I hope the results give you some comfort, although I know they won't change to horrific outcome. Good luck, hon.
And by comfort, I mean answers. Again they won't change the outcome, but reasons...sometimes just having a reason can help our tortuous minds.
I am so sorry honey. I will be thinking of you today, as always. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
I had to go get all my results at the hospital. I had to sit in the waiting room, right near the scan room with all the pregnant oblivious idiots with their bumps and their happy smiles. You really think that someone would put a little more thought into it.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow Rosalind and hoping that you get through it. I'm not going to say I hope it goes OK, there is no OK in this is there? There's no good results, just confirmation that our babies are dead for what ever reason. That reason or lack of reasons doesn't make it any easier to make it through every day.
I am constantly repeating myself Rosalind so you have to promise to keep repeating yourself along with me otherwise I'm going to start feeling like a freak, well more of a freak than I do.
Thinking of you now, Rosalind. I know that today couldn't have been easy. I remember all too well when we were told the results.
I, like others, had to go back to the same place I went for every single prenatal appointment. I had to sit in a room with pregnant women everywhere, until I finally told the secretary that I absolutely could not sit there, that I had just lost my baby. *sigh*
Reading your post, that brings all of those memories flooding back. Despite the fact that it's only been a year, it sometimes seems so long ago.
I hope you are doing well tonight, Rosalind. Just know there is someone in Pennsylvania who is keeping you close to her heart tonight. ((hugs))
Gawd that sucks. My OBitch at least had her non english speaking nurse/aid call me with my Caleb's autopsy results...but of course she couldn't answer any of my ?'s b/c (1) she isn't an MD and (2) no speaky the english very good...brilliant. I am so sorry. I wish it wasn't this way. I so wish it wasn't this way.
Hope it isn't as bad as you think and that they will have some answers for you, and that that will help, even if it's only a little.
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