I miss my baby... It's not like I figured the new year would make it all go away but, I thought I would get some peace or that it being 3 months on New Years day that maybe i passed some test or made it past a certain finish line... But here I am missing her more than ever.
When the stroke of mid-night came for New Years and everyone was shouting the obvious I couldn't help but remember it was 3 months since I laid eyes on her, held her and let her go ..for ever... This life sucks !! How do I live like this and how have I survived this long?? To be honest this past 3 months has been a blur to me like some kind of nightmare..and I just can't seem to wake up...I'm so sad all the time... I missed out on mothering and want to do it so bad but the idea that it won't be Micah the next time if given the chance to breaks my heart..
Yesterday was the date of my last menstral period a year later.. I said this date so many times..saw it written on my chart..typed it on all the pregnancy subscriptions that used to send my weekly updates on what was going on with me and my monkey. Now it's just a day.. This year is going to be the hardest year of my life and I don't know if i'm going to make it..
I hope everyone is doing okay... I thought of everyone a lot over the holidays ..I know I don't always post but know I am always checking up..Take care and happy belated New Year
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6 comments:
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you
Happy New Year to you too Rosalind, although that doesn't seem an appropriate phrase for any of us here in deadbabyland. Happy?
You know 3 months for me and the subsequent weeks were one of the toughest times. I felt like I was never going to get out of the pit I was in. I couldn't see how I was possibly going to carry on. I just sat and cried all the time. I think I wrote some of my most depressing posts during this time.
I'm sat here now, nearly 4 months on from losing Jacob and it is easier. The hell that was before has receded some. I miss him daily but I now know I can keep going and there is some joy in my life again. I take it where I can now, the small things.
As for not wanting to mother a different baby, I totally get that. I struggle with that. I still just want Jacob. Not sure that's going to go away.
Rosalind,
I hear and feel everything you are saying. New Year's was awful for me, too. I can't imagine feeling anything but sad. There may be moments of laughter, moments that lighten my heart some. In the end, they are fleeting and I think I will always have an underlying sadness in me. How can one not help but feel this way. My only comfort is with the women in deadbabyland who have come before us, who lost babies and are now more themselves than they were in the first moments, weeks and months after their losses and also those who went on to have subsequent, healthy babies. I see hope in them; I hope you can, too. Thinking of you and wishing you a happy New Year. XO.
how it won't be paige if i have another one, even another girl...
that is saving me a little. the finality of it; there's really NOTHING I CAN DO. it's total sh*t, yet is strangely comforting? it is all i can do to mourn her and totally just suffer for her right now.
at some point i wrote about how i, too, thought after new year's the only other thing i imagined her to be present for was mother's day, which will suck. but more recently, i realized that the next eight months are going to be so full of surprises, thinking about that "one year ago today" and how i was still pregnant a year ago. i want the time to just GO BY. it's not fast enough, but another deadbaby mom told me that when it has gone by, you are desperate for little pieces back.
we are just simply and utterly screwed.
Rosalind I think of you and the other moms in deadbabyland often. I kind of had the same feelings about the new year. How are we supposed to celebrate a new year without our baby? How are we supposed to be happy about it we're drifting further away. It does get better I promise you. It's been almost 11 months and some days it feels like the world is falling down on me but then other days I can't help but smile and know the Kamryn is in Heaven and doesn't have to go through all the pain that we do. That thought has only recently began to help though.
You will make it, Rosalind. You will.
It's been just over a year here, and it has gotten easier with each passing day. It never gets better, but I'll take easier.
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