You know sometimes I envy the posts where there is comfort found in ideas about where their babies are.. Comfort in God and a heaven or seeing and being with their babies again. I was always raised in a religious household but I’m realizing that maybe I didn't really believe what I was being taught because none of that brings me comfort.. My Mother is a Jehovah's Witness and every time I speak to her she talks about Jehovah, the Bible and a "New System' where I’m going to see Micah again. She believes that the dead are conscious of nothing and that we are dust and when we die that's what we become. All of this does nothing for me...Nothing
I don't want my baby in heaven or conscious of nothing or dead for that matter... I want her alive and here with me.. It doesn't give me any comfort to know that I will never get to hug her, kiss her and love her for as long as I’m living .. I want to believe that she's an angel..my guardian angel but it's hard to say and think that when I don't really believe it..
So this is my living hell, to know that my monkey is simply just lying in the cemetery and not with God, or an angel or smiling down on me.. and there is nothing I can do about it...For me there is no God but for those who do believe get on your hands and knees and thank him for giving you that gift of comfort ..
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I agree Rosalind. Sometimes my lack of belief in anything is just so sad. For me there is nothing, he is gone and I don't think I will ever get to see him again.
I envy those with faith. I have tried to believe things since losing Jacob.
I have never felt like J has been with me since I lost him. I never felt my Dad was with me since he died either; much as I've tried to. These thoughts just don't ring true with me. I don't fully believe them, I just feel hollow.
You're right is like a living hell. There's no comfort to be found anywhere.
I am a cynic when I read those posts filled with a true belief in God and heaven and unwavering faith in where their babies are. It's hard for me to not think that they are full of shit. I REALLY want to believe that C@llum is frolicking about in a happy, unearthly place where he is loved and happy and free and being taken care of. That he is there with all our deadbabies. I really do. I think, absolutely, there would be some comfort in that. And I wonder, why don't I just believe it then? What do I have to lose? I've already lost him. What could be worse than that?
I am not a "Goddy" either. I like to believe there is something else out there for all of us and our babies. But I don't know what it is.
All I really want is for my baby not to be alone, not to be suffering and to know how much he is loved. That's not too much to ask is it???
Probably.
I am so sorry honey. I do believe in something, some kind of bigger thing out there, maybe just because it does give me some comfort. I don't know if that makes any sense though. Maybe I am wrong and there is nothing... but I hope not. I hope there is something else, something more than this.
i don't believe in god, or afterlife. i believe in energy, though (but not in a kooky way). she died inside me, and i like to think that her energy is still inside me. (there was an academic paper, i believe cited by niobe, that said that cells of your babies still live inside you forever.)
there's no comfort, really, when our babies are dead and we don't believe in god in heaven. but whatever. just more sh*t for the pile.
I've never believed in anything really other than there's got to be more that this...
But after my dad died I found that I had to believe in something because I couldn't deal with thinking that he was just gone. I guess this thought process kind of stuck because after we lost our baby I made myself believe that he was/is with my dad...dancing around in a better place waiting for everyone else to join. I guess it's my only way to make it thru the day. Reality is probably just too much.
Gives new meaning to the song Losing My Religion doesn't it? I can tell you that I believe in God. I believed in him wholeheartedly before-the god of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. That's why this hurts so much for me in more than just the physical way. Now, I have no way to reconcile my once steadfast faith in God and Catholicism and it's heartbreaking. There isn't a way for me to deny his existence now seeing as how I've believed in for these years but I'm definitely pissed at him. I'm angry at God now for failing to come through for me-for taking my baby-for randomness-for lack of explanations. I could go on and on. The point of it all is that I'm not speaking to him now even it could provide comfort to some degree. I'm simply that pissed and if God is there and he is who they say he is, he should be able to take it.
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