I woke up this morning feeling very anxious about decisions I made or didn't make during my pregnancy. One of the biggest regrets I have is not getting or rather not demanding a late ultrasound. I knew I felt weird about not getting one but I wasn't sure if I was being selfish because I wanted to know the sex of the baby. With my other two I knew the sex from the very beginning, about 4 months. Micah hide both times, both ultrasounds she hide.. this was my first pregnancy where I didn't know.
At around 6 months I started feeling a lot of pain. It was painful to walk painful to laugh it was even painful to breath.. So the doctor put me on bed rest saying that it was my fibroids acting up and that if I rested it would go away .. Low and behold it did but I never understood why she never sent me for an ultrasound during or after this episode.. So the last ultrasound pic I have is at 18 weeks..
After she died the hospital did an ultrasound and in the blur I remember them talking about her size being a bit off and that maybe the placenta couldn't support her anymore ... Then I remember them saying 'but that doesn't mean that if we saw this earlier that we would have induced you'...How do I know that?? If she was alive when I had the ultrasound where her size was a bit off how do I know that they would not have said maybe we need to go in and get her because we don't know if the placenta is going to support her much longer...How do I know???....All I know is that I felt weird about not getting a late ultrasound, really weird. I don't know maybe it was mommy instinct
I'm so sorry Micah...I'm so sorry I didn't do everything possible to make sure you would be okay...I have let everyone down and I don't have you.... This sucks...I suck
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when i saw that post title i cringed...we all have those things we wish we would have done/not done. no matter what happened, we create those things in our heads so we can blame someone...so we can blame ourselves...so we can feel that even where there is no control, we could have had some control. we couldn't, and we didn't.
even as i type that, i am thinking, "but for me, it really IS my fault."
f*ck.
I went to see my consultant on my due date because I was worried something was wrong. In hindsight I realise I wanted them to give me a scan but they felt his position, listened to his heartbeat and said all was fine. I can't tell you how many times I wish I'd demanded a scan. Who knows if they would have found anything, we will never know, but it eats me up inside. I feel like maybe just maybe I would have him now if they'd done the scan.
Like charmedgirl says though we just do these things to try and appoint blame, mainly to ourselves. I think it's hard to just think it wasn't avoidable in some way.
You do not suck though Rosalind. How could you have known, how could any of us really know? Hindsight as they say is a wonderful thing. Not sure it's that wonderful but I hope you get my drift.
This does all suck though, beyond belief.
How were you to know that anything was wrong? You had 2 healthy babies born before this without issue.A healthy baby is the result of a healthy pregnancy; that is what we have always believed. Some things, it seems, are beyond our control and really you did the best you could with what you knew. I am wrought with all sorts of guilt and regret, but in the end, we can't continue to live in a world ofWhat If's?.
All the comments here are true. Everyday I have to fight these horrible feelings of guilt inside. I am always thinking of things I should have done differently but there is nothing. Nothing I could have done that would have changed the outcome. And there's nothing you could have done either. You don't suck. I'm so sorry for your pain. Please remember that you did all the right things.
It is not your fault, so please do not think that. We all have things that we think "I could've saved my baby" when in all actuality there was nothing that we could have done. The doctors all told us everything was fine. It's not our faults. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Though it's hard not to blame yourself, this was so clearly *not* your fault. You followed your doctor's advice and did everything you possibly could. In my case, I had ultrasounds practically every week, but, in the end, there wasn't anything that anyone could have done to save my babies.
I wholeheartedly agree with everything everyone has said here. As horrible as it is, there is nothing you did or didn't do that led to Micah's death. You are not to blame.
but if I'm truly honest, I'll admit I have the same doubts myself ....
Oh, this is *so* NOT your fault. Please don't blame yourself. I know how this sounds, I know how hard it is to not blame yourself, because I blamed myself for at least 6-8 months after Sophie died. I really felt it was my fault. But with everyday that passes, I realize that, no, it wasn't my fault.
And you aren't at fault either. You did everything you could, Rosalind.
My friends would often tell me this, and I'm going to say it to you-- shitty things happen to good people. I wish I knew why...
But, please, be kind to yourself as you travel this road.
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