So I have decided I won't be going back to work.. For now. I go on a STL as of January 28th. Call me a wimp, call me a coward but I just can’t do it. I can't face them, I can't face the office, I can't face that desk..that chair. I know I’ll have to one day but I just can't do it now.
Thankfully my boss found a loophole where I could get an additional 17 weeks and I jumped through it. I did think about it long and hard..About 2 months of hard thinking and I kept going back and forth.. Do I go and get on with my life? Or do I stay and live in my bubble I have created ?? I came to the conclusion so many times that this is ME..Rosalind..Of course I’m going back to work. This is what I do this is my life.. I don't back down from anything!!
I remember having a conversation with my boss back in Mid-November and she said to me " Rosalind, when this first happened I thought you were going to hit the ground running and I was going to receive a phone call from you saying you 'needed' to get back to work but I’m realizing something is different about you and you need more time"
Something IS different about me and I don't know what to do with it.. I used to know what I wanted, what my goals were.. I used to know where I was going and who I was.. I used to know me. The thing is I don't know if I’m scared because I’m NOT the girl I used to be or I no longer WANT to be that girl I used to be.. I think about who I used to be but that girl- woman- mother had no idea about anything apparently... I thought I knew things, I thought I knew life...I knew NOTHING!!
The only thing I know is I’m scared to death .. Scared of what's happening to me, scared of going back to work, scared of leaving Micah behind. I mean what kind of mother am I to even have thoughts of leaving her behind? To go on with my life? What life am I suppose to have without her?? It doesn't seem like much of one.. It just doesn't seem possible.
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7 comments:
I totally know what you mean. I have have practically begged for a way to stay home. I'm back at work but spend a lot of time thinking about how much more important life is to me and that it seems wasted doing what I do for a living (i'm grateful for my job...really). Since Seth, something has been in my ear telling me to do something else, something bigger, more important. Life is different for me now. Like you, I've changed. I'm not that woman I used to be. I don't know who I am anymore...other than a baby-less mother who's lost her way. I'm thinking of you and wishing you strength and courage.
You're right that we have created an alternate bubble for ourselves. Our happy, naive bubble is gone, but we've created another one that protects us in a different way now.
You aren't a coward. This awful tragedy HAS changed you. It's hard to find meaning in the things we did and enjoyed before. It's hard to find meaning in anything anymore.
I am glad you found the courage to accept a solution that takes into account your changed self. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself and your emotional and physical well-being first. XO.
Good for you for realizing what you need to do and having the strength and couage to do it.
For me, what I needed to do was go back to work and bury myself in meetings and papers and appointments, so I wouldn't have to think about my twins until I was ready.
We each have to find our own path and to realize that it may not be the one that's easily understood by other people who have no idea what it means to lose a baby.
I couldn;t imagine going back to work so I'm glad you were able to find a solution that works for you.
I have struggled with feeling like I'm leaving Owen behind with every step I take but someone reminded me that I don;t leave him behind- he's always with me. I try to remind myself of that often- sometimes its easier to believe and sometimes its not...
thinking of you...
Good for you for putting yourself first. I totally get the need to do something more with life now. I'm still struggling to work it out, besides the obvious one of bring home live baby I'm pretty stuck at the moment. Probably why I've been in a funk recently.
I wish I didn't have to work, but for me I'm trying to just get my head down and get some money in the bank so I can do what I really want to do.
Still hate it though.
I'm glad your boss helped you find more time for yourself in all this. There is no rush Rosalind, when you are ready you'll know what you want to do. Maybe never go back, who knows?
I'm not sure what life any of us are supposed to have without all our babies. Sometimes I feel that the life I will have will always be a shadow of what it could have been. It's hard to do anything feeling that way so I try not to fixate on it too much. I believe J@cob is with me in the fact that I remember him and think of him every day. My heart bursts sometimes when I think how much I love him. It is so not nearly enough but he's there.
I think you are brave to take a setp away when you feel like you need more time to make the right choice for you and your family. Sometimes the easier route is the "supposed to" route. You know, the one where you blame everything on the "it's what I was supposed to do".
Taking the extra time will let you decide what you WANT to do and not force you back into that "supposed to" world.
For now you just have to worry about meeting your needs, doing what you need for your family. Everyone else will just have to wait.
"...that desk, that chair..."
i can't even imagine having to think about my old work desk and chair. i know exactly what you mean. come on, what the fuck? there they would be, mocking, still the same when so much has changed. having to set my ass down on it and know it meant i had to get into the "mode".
don't go back until you have to.
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