From the moment I woke up this morning I knew it wasn't going to be a good one. Today was exhausting to say the least I spent it fighting back tears and trying to catch myself a break in life...
My two kids are not with CN.. they're for a previous relationship with the biggest deadbeat ever! .. My only excuse I make to myself for ever being with this disgrace is that I was 17 when we got together.. Anyhoo when I was pregnant with Micah he turned into a complete Looney Bin and he started exhibiting some random behavior, like telling my kids they were never going to see me again and breaking into my house and stealing all of their clothes...Crazy A$$hole!! Long story short I decided to take him to court firstly, to change the visitation agreement to supervised visitation and secondly, to hit him where it hurts...His Wallet. Of which he hasn't opened for his children since 2003 the last time I received a CS payment.
Of course when I started this journey I had NO idea this is where I would be now.. depressed and grieving my baby whom I feel was the cause of his craziness in the first place... It's just ironic to me that the very thing that set him off and has us going to court every other month is now no more.. Dead, gone and buried..I feel like this whole fight isn't even worth it now
So anyways back to my day... I decided to apply for Legal Aid today I figured this way I can have a Lawyer speak on my behalf and it would bring down my stress..You know, maybe make my life a bit easier ... I figured since I’m a sole support parent of two whose income has been cut in half AND I have a dead baby I would be a shoe in... I was wrong
The second trip I made today in search of some kind of Godly mercy was to the Child Care Subsidy office (daycare).. They recently raised my fee based on what I was making last year but I was told to bring in pay slips for what I’m making now and they would see if they could change it.... Another dead end....I thought I was going to go postal..But then out of nowhere something amazing happened....
The social worker (I'll call her Christine) started asking me questions about Micah..., which took me off guard because people hardly ever ask about my Micah they normally avoid it at all cost..
Christine: Did you ever find out what happened to your baby??
Me (shocked) : No I still don't know what happened to 'her'
Christine: A baby girl ? (smile)
Me (teary smile and nod)
Christine (tears):I lost my baby boy last September06 and just like you I was 38 wks
Instantly, we made a connection..It was like we knew each other for years...I was finishing her sentences and she was finishing mine ..We talked about EVERYTHING..the pregnancy, the birth, pictures, footprints, funeral and names... We talked and cried for 2 hours.. I felt like I was looking in a mirror..She was me and I was her.. And It was human
Christine thank you so much .. You were truly God sent to me today, as he knew we needed each other... My heart is with you and your little angel...Evan
I Love You Micah
About Me
- Rosalind
- Toronto, Ontario, Canada
- I'm a 32 year old mother of 3 and a half. Adina my beautiful and artistic 13 year old daughter, Uriah my lovable and funny 10 year old son, Micah aka 'My Monkey' who was the sweetest thang and who we said hello and good-bye to on October 1, 2007.. we all miss you. And now we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of Micah's little brother July 28th 2009
8 comments:
Sorry about the deadbeat ex, Rosalind.
As for Christine, I am happy you were given her today. It doesn't seem like an accident. I am happy you were able to speak with someone, in person, who has been there. What a wonderful gift she must have been to you today.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this crap on top of grieving for Micah. You must be exhausted.
I'm so glad you met Christine. Since meeting I'll call my deadbabymom Clara IRL I find her an amazing comfort. She lost a little boy in identical circumstances to me and jacob. It's so nice to be able to just like you say finish each others sentences.
I really am so happy that you found someone IRL that really understands. I hope you get to see her again.
The deadbabymom club, sadly, is larger than anyone knows. This is only something I have recently accepted as a fact.
I'm glad you found someone that you were able to connect with and talk to. It helps tremendously to talk to people who *know* how you feel.
It sometimes does feel like the only people who truly understand are those who've been through the same sad experience. I'm glad you and Christine found one another.
I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice so forgive me in advance. The fight is worth it. Do it for your children. Period.I'll stop now but that topic hits very close to home.
Really cool that you met someone IRL that understands. I am hoping that I get to do the same at my first infant loss support group meeting this weekend.
when i lost paige, suddenly many, many conversations i'd had in the past- where someone i knew told me of a stillbirth they'd had- came flooding back. why did i hear of such things and forget so quickly? how didn't it add up in my brain that this happens ALL THE TIME??? at the moment they shared it with me, i felt their pain, said i was sorry. then i went along my merry (albeit infertile) way. i admit, i was glad i was merely unable to conceive and not unfortunate enough to miscarry or (JESUS GOD!!) have to deliver a dead baby.
yet here i am, one of them.
ps- i am a child of a deadbeat, and it means more than you know to your kids that you are fighting for them...even though it feels to you that the *reason* is gone...it's not
It's such a unique "club" we've joined; unique and awful. We've got to stick together - i think it helps so much to know I'm not alone. or crazy.
I know this is a really post, but I decided to read back and came across it. My Evan died at 42 weeks in utero. Now there are 2 Evan angels I know of.
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