Today is hard. Everyday is hard but today harder than usual. I guess i'm going thru the motions.
When dealing with everything happening to my 'dear friend' I was so overcome by her sorrow that I almost thought I was, shall I dare say 'Over it'....No such luck
Feeling very sad and depressed today..
Since birth I have always felt that my daughter (A) loved her dad more than she loved me .. I had a flashback today of my pregnancy with Micah. I so wanted a girl, I of course said the usual I didn't care what I had as long as he/she was healthy (right) but deep inside I really wanted a little girl. A little girl who loved ME..A little girl who thought I was her entire world.. This one I was going to do everything humanly possible to make love me. Was that wrong??
When I was pregnant everytime A and I would get into issues with regards to her not seeing her father i would honestly think 'God is going to bless me with a little girl who's going to be on my side'...But instead God took her away and i'm still left with nothing ... I was going to do it right this time but for some reason i wasn't even given the chance...
That weighs on me a lot...
I know it's stupid but i wonder sometimes if that thinking ... Well you know
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5 comments:
I sort of wanted a girl, too. And I wonder if my own thinking, well, you know.
I can't imagine having a friend experience a loss so soon after my own. Emotionally, you must be right back in the thick of it all with your own feelings. Some days it really feels like we could be over this, but experiences like this, I think, teach us something very different indeed.
Ditto what C. said. I had wanted a girl but was fairly certain Caleb would be a boy. I spent many days befoe convincing myself how much I would love him and then many days after convincing myself that my thinking didn't kill him. Ugh.
It must be so very hard to have to relive all of the feelings of loss and helplessness. While I am sure it is a tremendous comfort to your friend it must feel like ripping a scap off of a gaping wound for you.
xxoo
scaB not scaP, SORRY!!
We can find so many ways to torture ourselves. I have found it difficult knowing that in the first few weeks of J's pregnancy I cried because I didn't want to be pregnant. The shock and enormity of it all along with the hormones got the better of me those first few weeks. I always feel so bad about it, like he thought I didn't want him.
I'm not sure how I would deal with a close friend going through this either. It would only drag up all those emotions that I've worked so hard dealing with. I hope that your sadness lifts soon Rosalind and you can get a little peace.
Rosalind-- Are you still out there?? I've been thinking of you & checking in every few days looking for an update from you-- but I've not seen anything. I hope you're doing okay. <3
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