I have been having an internal fight for sometime now about the decision to start TTC. When I first lost Micah TTC was such an easy decision for me and now...I just don't know. When I first lost Micah I wanted to start TTC right away and it was the 'boytoy' who said we needed time to heal and now he's ready and my heart stops every time I think about it...I am not just scared, I'm utterly terrified..NO I'm petrified of losing another baby and having the same very heartbreaking, depressing, excruciatingly painful ending.
Then there's my job...I mean is everyone going to look at me like I'm an idiot for trying again?? I was just promoted this month and I'm wondering if this is the right time?? I know initially when they posted this position they were looking for someone to stick it out and be in it for a while..You working ladies know what I mean right??
Then I was asked to be in my best friends wedding next July ..Should I wait until after there big day??
Or am I just making excuses because I'm scared shitless??...Right now I'm coping with what happened to me but if it happens again like I KNOW it could ..It will change me forever and I may not be able to come back from that and I'm hanging onto a string as it is...This really sucks!! I want to be that naive girl I was before losing Micah where pregnancy was enjoyable and thrilling and tranquil and blissful...Yeah..I want that again
Truth be told I really really want a baby.....
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2 comments:
It will never be the right time or right circumstances. There will always be reasons not to. And having lost the last time around the barriers seem all the more insurmountable now. In the end, TTC is something only you and the boytoy can decide. I can say with much certitude you will always be shit-scared. And I suspect there will always be those people who will think we are idiots for trying again. But the idea of ending things on this note and not completing that family I'd hoped to get for so long, that idea scares me more than not trying at all. Good luck, Rosalind, with whatever you decide. XO.
I'm with c, never is a good time. I recently got promoted and there's a strong chance that new opportunities are going to come up for me at work soon. For me I just came to a point when I realized none of that was particularly important to me. I mean if I dropped down dead tomorrow so what I did well at work.
I have had to tell a couple of colleagues at work (I do lab work and I am not going in the labs now, I kind of need them to cover for me), anyway the point being they were really pleased for me. They don't think it's stupid, in fact I think many are surprised we didn't start trying sooner. I very much doubt anyone at your work would think you stupid. I think they'd be thrilled for you.
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