It's 6:14 in the morning (now that's more like it) This is more of a normal time for me to be up in the morning.. I like to get up before the kids so I can have sometime to myself. It's somewhat relaxing I guess. Nah! who am I trying to kid, I need the time to peice myself back together so my kids don't have to see their mom falling apart at the seams before they're off to school.
This morning i feel like i'm back at square one.. Like I haven't made any so called PROGRESS at all. In the beginning i used to wake up with my tummy in knots. It was like reality set in every single morning, and it didn't matter what time in the morning. It could be 2:00, 3:00, 5:30 .. Then I would cry my heart out. I would cry hard for hours. Sometimes I would cry myself back to sleep or sometimes I would make it until the alarm went off... Well this morning is one those mornings.
I have a Therapist appointment this morning .. You know it's funny, every time before i'm due to go and see her I get anxious.. Anxious about what i'm going to say and if I'll have anything to say. I also don't want to cry in her office so I find that everytime I go it's a struggle to make it out of there without falling apart...So far i'm 6 for 6 (no cry).. I don't know if this is good for my so called PROGRESS i'm guessing not ...
So i'm anxious
sad
exausted
really sad
I can' t breathe because of the knots in my belly
Is this devastation??
am I depressed??
Maybe the DR will say this is PROGRESS??
I HATE MY LIFE!!!
Well gotta go wash my face .. the kids will be up shortly
I Love You Micah
About Me
- Rosalind
- Toronto, Ontario, Canada
- I'm a 32 year old mother of 3 and a half. Adina my beautiful and artistic 13 year old daughter, Uriah my lovable and funny 10 year old son, Micah aka 'My Monkey' who was the sweetest thang and who we said hello and good-bye to on October 1, 2007.. we all miss you. And now we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of Micah's little brother July 28th 2009
3 comments:
as time goes on for me, i'm finding i notice less of the things that hurt...like having the big belly when i lay down to sleep. that feels farther away and i'm glad.
i've tried to cry as much as possible since the beginning (although i REFUSE to cry around my mother). anyway, crying is NOT my usual, so i decided i wanted to do it differently than i would have in the past. try to experience everything and not leave any stone unturned. i decided i can't afford some pushed-down sh*t to strangle me in the future.
go on.........cry in your session if you feel like it. do the opposite of what you have been. maybe just as an experiment. hey, we've got a golden ticket to do whatever the hell we want right now. HA! can you imagine???
i can't believe this is me...this is us.
Hi Rosalind,
Came here from my blog. I'm so sorry that you don't have Micah (that's a very pretty name) with you. It's good to be blogging, it does help and it doesn't matter if you post the same stuff. We're all going through the same things and its good to hear a new take on it.
I get the whole not crying thing. I did the same thing exactly with my counsellor. I would get nervous before hand, I never knew what would come out. I didn't like crying in front of him. I also sometimes regret that it was a him, I don't think men really get it. Anyway I don't feel like I need to see him at the moment so no more worrying about crying. But like charmedgirl says go for it, you might feel better, sometimes wish I didn't feel the need to give the appearance of togetherness to other people. I get told I'm doing so well, sometimes I am but inside I'm freaking out ALL the time.
I'm sorry you had to join this club, it's a shit club and there aren't even any day trips to look forward too. :o)
like charmedgirl I can't believe this x
I tried to keep from crying too- in fact many people commented on how "strong" I was but they were wrong. It took more strength to let myself be devastated, to cry and scream and rage at the world- that was way scary and I thought I might lose myself entirely. But having done that for some time now, I seem to finally making that elusive 'progress.' I know you need to find your own way with this- just don't forget you are not alone.
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