So here I am .. I have so much to say in this blog. I think this month has been the first month I can say I think I can see some light, even if it’s just a spot of it. As hard as it’s been there were also some good. I’m thinking more clearly and I can feel a bit of myself coming back. I was confronted by people who didn’t know about what happened to Micah and I didn’t feel anyway to tell them or should I say I didn’t feel like I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. I talked about Micah to a crowd and didn’t feel awkward about it because truth be told ‘I AM A DEADBABYMOM’..And even though I’m not necessarily proud of it I’m not ashamed either..It is what it is …A part of my life, who I am and who I always will be.
This month I decided I’m going back to work. My mind has had enough and it or rather I need focus. I need to not only belong but I need to be a part of the rest of the world. I need my life back...I know it will be hard and I’m scared to death but I’ll work through it …It’ll be okay. I will be okay. March 17th is the magic date…Mark it on your calendars as ‘The day Rosalind is going to get her Groove back’…
This month my son cried for his baby sister. I know you don’t really have much background on how my kids reacted to this whole situation. My son didn’t really respond to it at all. In fact, he really wanted a baby brother and was very upset when he found out she was a girl..dead or alive…His reaction at the time really hurt me. At the funeral he didn’t want to see her and he just hung onto me to make sure I was okay. Now just so you know this is typical for him because he is a momma’s boy thru and thru…there is no shame to his game. He really loves him some mommy. In my mind I guess I thought he had forgotten all about Micah. But he didn’t. And it gave us a huge opportunity to talk about her and we did. I think he was holding all these feelings he had inside because he didn’t want to add to my grief…Poor little guy.
For those who have been reading my blog, this month was my last court date… And this weekend will be the first weekend since June that my kids will be going with their father…This month was also the first month since December of 2003 that I received Child Support….So to those who told me not to give up the fight…Thank you
On a very sad note and if you don’t want to read about another pregnancy loss then stop here……This month a co-worker of mine lost her 2nd baby. She reached out to me and told me her story back in October just after I lost Micah. She lost her daughter Mya In May of 2007 at 5 ½ months. Now here she is only at 6 months this time burying her son. It’s just so sad that this keeps happening to her and also frightening that she has to take this walk again. It scares the hell out of me because I don’t want to do this again. To be honest I don’t know if I can do this again and survive. But I do want another baby..I want to start a family with the ‘boytoy’..We want to start our family…so it’s this struggle that I have in my mind and soul.. How badly do I want this? How badly do we want this?? Can this family survive another loss??
Tomorrow will be 5 months since losing Micah…I miss my Monkey.
I Love You Micah
About Me
- Rosalind
- Toronto, Ontario, Canada
- I'm a 32 year old mother of 3 and a half. Adina my beautiful and artistic 13 year old daughter, Uriah my lovable and funny 10 year old son, Micah aka 'My Monkey' who was the sweetest thang and who we said hello and good-bye to on October 1, 2007.. we all miss you. And now we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of Micah's little brother July 28th 2009
16 comments:
I am so glad to hear that you are finally seeing some light. Even a tiny bit of hope, the briefest break in the grief, is something important. I love the moment when you can look at it all, in all it's sadness, and realize that there might have been some good as well. It goes a long way toward healing your heart. I think you should be proud. You are Micah's mommy, and that is something no one else can claim, something no one can ever take from you.
I think it's good too that you took the time you needed away from work.
What a wonderful mom you must be to have such an amazing son as well. Clearly you have done a really good job of expressing your grief in healthy ways, or I think he would never have been comfortable expressing his own.
Congrats on the child support. Good for you for fighting for it.
Please hug your coworker for me. Let her know that if there is anything at all I can do, I am here. I know that sounds so overdone, but I really do mean it.
I worry too... about trying again, about losing again. I think every subsequent pregnancy is an even mix of fear and happiness. And yes, I think your family can survive anything.
Good for you for heading back to work. You will be in my thoughts. You can do it :)
I am so, so sorry for your coworker. I hope she gets answers as to why this is happening. Not that is hurts any less though.
I am so glad that you are going back to work. I had trouble going back to work because one of the girls that I worked with was only 17 and having a very healthy pregnancy (not to mention that she posted a blog saying that my daughters death was all my fault and that I was going to milk it for all it was worth, but that I was not going to get an ounce of sympathy from her). I went back 5 days after we buried Kamryn. I think that taking some time off was a wonderful idea.
When I talk about Kamryn or being pregnant people ask me "oh how old is she?" I know my own fault for opening my mouth, but I'm not ashamed of what I've been through. She is mine and I'm proud to have had her for as long as I did.
Your co-worker is in my prayers. I barely made it through one time I can't even imagine going through it twice. I want to try again but am also scared of the possibility to lose another baby.
Good luck going back to work.
OK it's in my calender!!! You will be OK Rosalind. It may take some time but you will be OK.
I'm glad your ex finally coughed up CS. Good on you for not letting that go, especially right in the midst of grieving Micah. I hope your kids have a good time with him and that it's not too hard on you.
You know I never thought I could survive having one dead baby yet here I am. I'm not saying this to be morbid or because I think it will happen, I most definitely do not think this. But if it did happen again to us you know we'd probably be sat here saying *I never thought I could survive this again*. I think I've come to realize that you survive it because you have no choice. At least this time we go into it with eyes wide open.
I'm hoping you make the leap with boytoy soon ;o) I love that nickname!
Your son crying to you about his sister makes me want to bawl. I know I can get caught up in my own grief and forget that my children lost someone, too. My heart sings everytime my son mentions his dead brother. I know he doesn't want to see me cry and he enters those conversations with much apprehension.
Happy to hear things were resolved with the ex. Thanks for the update.
I hope, in a month's time, I can be where you are now...feeling a tiny bit hopeful. And, good luck at work, Rosalind. I hope the experience of going back is what you are needing. XO.
I am glad that you are back..I had been reading you for awhile and I am pleased you have taken the time out and are feeling a glimmer of your old self back. Our children must absorb so much and having a 'big girl' of 10 I know that she in some ways did not respond the way i would have thought..but I know she was SOOO trying to make sure I was ok. I am hoping that you can fulfill your dreams and make a beautiful baby again with your guy. Thinking of you and your co worker...my god it is sooo unfair.
I'll be cheering you on on your first day back to work, Rosalind. I, too, am so glad that you are seeing some light. Some days it gets a little bit easier to get through, huh?
I'm so, so sorry for your co-worker. I can't even imagine losing another child. Reading that just rips my heart out. I'll be keeping her in my thoughts. <3
I'll be thinking about you on your first day back, Rosalind. I found it to be very hard the first day, but each day after that got a little bit better. And I have to admit, the distraction of work is nice and has limited the time I spend dwelling on my loss. I still dwell alot, but at least it's not 24/7 now.
Glad to hear that you finally got the CS. That must be a relief to have the weight off your shoulders.
Also, I am sorry for your co-worker's losses as well. It's scary to think that this could happen twice, but I think Coggy's right. It's like gambling, because if you "win" the prize is so wonderful and beyond words. But you can't "win" without the risk, unfortunately. And as my therapist constantly tells me, humans are amazingly resilient. I am starting to believe her.
Hey Rosalind,
Can you email me privately regarding the Certificate of Stillbirth? My email addy is hipcath at gmail dot com
Thanks!
C.
Rosalind,
I am so sorry, I have not been keeping up with you. You do such a good job of keeping up with me. I'm sorry that I missed Micah's anniversary. I do think of all the lost babies everyday. I just wish I would have known to set extra time aside for Micah.
The whole "trying" again is a very scary issue for us too. I think Shan is more into than I but he's a man and he thinks about sex! I think about babies!
I agree with heather where your son is concerned. What a great kid to express his grief and what a great Mom for him to be able to do that!
Good for you on fighting the good fight for Child Support and actually getting it!
I promise from now on I will keep up on you!
Tag--You ARE IT, Rosalind! :) (check out my last blog entry)
Does your coworker know why she lost another child? I'd really like to know - they still can't find a reason for my loss and I'm so afraid of going through this again.
I just read coggy's comment above. I know she's right - but man I really don't think I could survive it again.
Hey you, welcome back. You have much to be proud of, you and your groove! 3/17 is a lucky day, me being an Irish lass, I know these things:) At least, if the first day back is rougher than expected, you will have a bonafide reason to go out and drink...and the bonus is, it works both ways, If it goes better than expected, you will have a bonafide reason to...go out and drink! See, we Irish know how to make a good holiday!
I am glad you had a chance to talk to your son. I know, from mine, how scary it is to have to talk about the death of a baby, especially your baby. The things you want your children to never know about, the things we wish we could shield them from forever but as we ourselves are learning, you can't run and hide from the shitty parts of life, they always know where to find you. I hope he continues to open up to you, I will always wonder, myself, what this whole nightmare has left behind for my children. It's awful isn't it?
Congrats on the CS. That's huge. Your hanging in there and fighting shows what you are made of and what kind of a mother you are. One who never gives up on her kids or herself. Way to go:0)
5 months...*sigh*...such a short amount of days to miss a tiny but whole life, it feels as though it's forever, because we know it is.
Does that make sense?
Thinking of you as you go back to work, but I am really glad that you had some time off too. I think that's really important. Take care.
This was beautiful...painful but beautiful.
Our child's death does define us.
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