Micah Eileen Eva Nelson

Today is Micah's Second birthday.

Two years ago today I gave birth to the sweetest most innocent and beautiful little baby girl..She had my nose and Clive's forehead and she was so small '6.11'. 18 inches long. She had all ten toes and ten fingers and a full head of black silky hair. She was perfect in every way.. except she had no cry and no heartbeat...no screaming baby..Just two devastated parents and a handful of whispering doctors and nurses

My entire world as I knew it died that day

How unbearable life has been without Micah. I cannot believe it has been two years since we held her .. Two years since we looked at her from head to toe and wondered how the hell did this happen to such a perfect baby.. Two years since we gave her back to the nurses and said a tearful final goodbye

Today we'll go to the cemetary with flowers and pink balloon and we'll eat cake.. As mean as it sounds I really don't want to do anything ...even worse I really don't want to go to the cemetary..I HATE it there. I feel really anxious and nervous to go and when we leave my throat feels lumpy and my heart breaks...it really sucks..But Adina and Uriah (her big sister and brother) remembered her birthday and really want to go..They are excited to tell her all about Elijah

Messages to Micah are especially hard since Elijah's birth.. I had imagined this perfect life with Micah and how things would have been but since meeting Elijah and mothering a real live baby it's getting harder to do and what I want to say doesn't always come as easy as it used to..I feel like she is slipping from me like her memory is fading .. not her birth so much but this imaginary life I dreamt up in my head for her and me..I used to have visions of her running around the house, toys all under foot. Now I don't.. she's fading and there is nothing I can do.

I hope this doesn't sound like i'm replacing her bacause I know i'm not ...Elijah is my dream come true... he has healed me in ways I cannot even explain.. but he can never replace my baby girl... I believe i'm finally excepting the fact that I have a dead baby and her name is Micah Eileen Eva Nelson and today she would have been 2

Happy birthday baby girl
We miss you so much
know that we all love you more than
anything.. Today I'll make a cake with
chocolate chips in the frosting. Dina and
Uriah love it and i'm sure you would
have to. I can't believe you're
two and can only imagine the
trouble and joy you would be
causing .. We have missed out
on so much not having you with
us ..Today I wish you the best birthday
ever with lots of love, kisses and hugs,
goodies and huge pink balloons

We miss you monkey