My dear friend and I have decided to start weekly Aqua Fit classes Every Thrusday and yesterday was my first class. It's a really great class, it begins with a half hour discussion about something pregnancy related followed by 45 minutes in the water. Anyway yesterday's discussion was about 'Labour related Fears'. The instructor started by reading out some blurbs from a pregnancy book and then she went around the room and one by one we were to tell her our fears. So some ladies were afraid of pooping on the table and others concerned about ripping. My dear friend (who some of you would remember from my blog a year ago next Saturday who lost her baby girl too) said her fears were about inducement and not going into labour naturally and mine was also inducement related but more about the timing (37 weeks)...
I'm thinking about it and that's not my biggest fear. To be honest that's doesn't even rank close to being my biggest fear. If anything i'm nothing more then relieved that they're going to induce me at 37 weeks (July 28th). What I should have said was my biggest fear is my body betraying me again or him being born still or how about leaving the hospital empty handed maybe even having to bury my son right next to his sister.. I wonder how that would have sat with everyone? or would I have become that weird girl who lost her baby from the last class? who knows now because I didn't say it. I said that dumb one liner about 'Early inducement'.
I came home last night and just stared at her picture... All those pregnant woman and their stupid fears and so called nightmares..They have no clue what a nightmare really is. And here I am trying to be one of them and trying to fit in .. When I need to just be myself..so what if the class would have taken a turn down into that dark road .. it happens to be my reality. And maybe it would have put things in perspective for them and they realize that their so called fears they'll get over but what happened to me 1 year, 8months and 5days ago I will never get over..
Those months after Micah passed away the pain was so unbearable that I often thought my only way out would have been for me to die right a long with her because I did beleive she was at way more peace then I was and was ever going to be.. Some where along this crazy road of grief something inside me has changed. Now here I am with the excitement that in less then 8 weeks I could have what was so abruply taken from me that nightmarish weekend in September of 2007 and I feel so bad for her..My Micah. All the love and life she is missing out on and here I am almost 'happy'. Although I still beleive she is at peace I can't help but feel these feelings of guilt..
Everyday that I get closer to the possibility of being able to hold my son I feel like i'm getting further from her... How do I manage the two? I feel that way with everyone around me too ..once my son is born everyone is going to forget all about her and think that that's the end and closes this chapter .. My fear is everyone is going to forget all about Micah..And as long as I keep pulling off these one liners like I did yesterday and trying to 'Fit in' she will be gone...forever
I Love You Micah
About Me
- Rosalind
- Toronto, Ontario, Canada
- I'm a 32 year old mother of 3 and a half. Adina my beautiful and artistic 13 year old daughter, Uriah my lovable and funny 10 year old son, Micah aka 'My Monkey' who was the sweetest thang and who we said hello and good-bye to on October 1, 2007.. we all miss you. And now we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of Micah's little brother July 28th 2009
5 comments:
I just hate that people forget about our lost babies. So i have a kick ass big picture of Noah in my living room - (see my blog if you want to view it) just in case they need a gentle reminder. We will never forget - NOT even when we wrinkly old things. I wait with you until this new little soul emerges and am very pleased that your good friend is also pregnant. Thinking of you lots as the last weeks approach. x
It's hard because you are right, as we 'move forward' with new ones and even without new ones, our lost babies become more and more distant from us and from other peoples memories. I guess all we can do is just keep reminding people that they are still a very real part of who we are and that their impact on our lives will never be a part of the past.
I can't believe you are already so close! I continue to hold you close in my thoughts and hope for a very mellow and uneventful labor and delivery for you and your little guy. (Uneventful in the, "here is your healthy, screaming baby to hold and take home" sort of way.:))
I am coming back to comment on this post, but first, I tagged you in a meme. :)
Rosalind,
I read this yesterday, but couldn't comment.
First, I have to say, I completely understand why you used that one-liner in your class. It's hard to know when it's "okay" in your own mind to be the "one," you know, the one who had a stillborn baby.
And you're right-- those pregnant women have no idea what "big" fears really are. If pooping while in labor were my biggest fear, I'd be a blissfully ignorant pregnant women. I'm glad they don't know what we know, but I do wish everyone understood that this does happen.
Rosalind, I don't think you will get further away from Micah. <3 Once Finn arrived, I felt (and am still feeling) an entire, huge range of emotions, Finn-related, Sophie-related, grief, joy, sadness, happiness.
You'll do what works for you. It will be okay. I know it will. <3
Rosalind!
Can we have an update-- please? :-)
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