I am happy .. I repeat this to myself everyday and one day maybe it will actually be true. But truth be told I'm very unhappy, I’m unhappy with my relationship, I’m unhappy with my family, I’m unhappy with me. We found out we are having a boy last Tuesday and for more than a split second I wasn't completely thrilled about it. I feel very ashamed of myself to write that with everything that is going on in this world of deadbabyland .. Very ashamed. I have to admit since the day I gave birth to Micah all I have dreamt about are baby girls..my baby girls. Now I’m having a boy and in that moment that I found out I was slightly disappointed and unfortunately that will be something else that I will add to my very long list of things to feel guilty about for the rest of my life, because the list of guilt and blame is just not long enough already ...Right
I spoke to the boytoys mom tonight and before I came off the phone I asked her if she heard the news (she hadn't) He didn't even tell his mom and he's known for a week ... Her response?
'But I don't want a boy..We are down a girl'...
REALLY! If she didn't tell me I would have NEVER known we were 'down' aka 'missing' a baby girl... It's comments like that that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside don't it?
We are all a bunch of ungrateful assholes
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5 comments:
Ok, the boy's mom was probably a little insensitive...
YOU can feel however you want to. There is nothing wrong with not being immediately ecstatic. You lost a little girl, and that loss will always be with you. You are a good mother, and your son is lucky to have you.
Her comment was pathetic. Your feelings are real. It's ok to have them and they don't mean for a moment that you won't love this little boy madly when he gets here.
Congrats on a healthy him:)!
Oh, Rosalind. How completely uncalled for-- you don't need a reminder. Your heart reminds you every day. I'm sorry. (((Hugs)))
And no, you are NOT an asshole. I had always hoped and dreamed of having two little girls here with me, instead I have a little girl here, one in heaven, and a little boy coming in May/June. I felt my heart sink a little too, when I found out, but I think with time, you will find that that little boy will bring a joy to you that is unimaginable. I just know it.
I have a friend who just had her "rainbow" baby yesterday morning, after losing her secondborn to full term stillbirth, and the joy she describes in her posted updates-- soon we will feel that too.
Be kind to yourself, friend-- you've waited a long time for this. It's going to be a long road, but you can lean on us anytime. <3
((((hugs))))
My MW told me, after she lost her baby to SIDS at 8wks, that she got pg again asap, and wanted a boy like the one she lost. And when she found out it was a girl at the u/s she cried and cried and cried... it was only later, she realized, she would have compared them too much, if it had been a boy. I don't know... sometimes I think the world is randomly cruel... sometimes I think there's something to that "fate" thing... sometimes I want to punch (insert higher power if they exist here) in the face... :x
Your feelings are so normal. Please stop feeling so guilty. I've just stumbled onto your blog, so am only a newbie reader but wanted to reach out to you and give you a hug. So many things i want to say, but don't want to say the wrong thing. So I'll say no more...but know that there is another person out here wishing you and your precious baby all the very best. Be kind to yourself.
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