Update Time..

Sorry it's been a bit ..I have been poking around but haven't been in the mood to post but this morning I thought it was due time for an update...

I have had two ultrasounds..one from hell and one that was god sent.. The first was @ 8 weeks I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up.. Dr Evil proceeded to do measurements and then told me she had to find a Dr to speak to me (Weird) She left the room with my paperwork and I laid on the table stunned..'Is this happening to me again' 'Was once not enough'...over and over my mind was exploding. Then she comes back and says ' Sorry I wasn't able to find a doctor, you can get dressed now'. Me-'Hold on a minute here! Is everything okay?' Dr Evil-' You'll have to wait and speak to your doctor in five business days' Me-'Five Freaking business days? Are you nuts? Don't I get to see my baby? Dr Evil- Of Course (applies more gel and places wade) See? There’s baby's heartbeat (shuts off screen) ME- 'Look lady you're starting to piss me off I didn't get a chance to see anything' Dr Evil- 'you need to wait to speak with your doctor'... I gave her the look of death left the room ran into the washroom and cried my eyes out on the washroom floor. I thought for sure this pregnancy was over.. After sobbing to my doctor over the phone from the foyer of Dr Evil's office I knew by morning that everything was okay..Needless to say I have boycotted that ultrasound center .. Bitch!

My second was Tuesday passed @12 weeks 2 days... First I got to meet my new OB for the first time and I really like her.. She is just willing to go above and beyond and willing to let me call the shots if that's whets going to reassure me and put me somewhat at ease.. I had the NT scan booked right after seeing her, which was on the same floor of the medical center. Again very nervous overwhelming feelings of nausea especially since my last experience was such a joy.. As soon as I laid down she gelled me turned the screen to me and said 'Here is your healthy baby, here is the heartbeat, hands, fingers etc... Talk about God Sent. NT Scan is normal but they did find a small hemorrhage on the placenta near where it attaches to the uterus that they think is from the placenta claiming its territory sort of speak so I have another ultrasound on the next visit in four weeks to make sure it's cleared itself up ... they told me not to worry (Yeah right) I'm a db mom I’m going to worry regardless of what they say.

I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow, the first trimester finally over. And what a stressful trimester it was. I'm not what you would call a complete basket case but I’m a close runner up. Emotionally I’m not the best.. Between my thoughts and these vivid dreams I'm having all the time I’m going to go insane. I'm unsure of what I’m feeling right now really.. It's a bit of a feeling mix. It's a mix of short-lived happiness and dare I say a tiny amount of anticipation as I await whatever bomb is going to blow my life apart AND I think of Micah..... I hurt for her, I cry for her, I’m sad for her...I want her. Don't get me wrong I want this baby too... I should be having another baby but I should have Micah my 16 month old too. We should be getting her prepared for a little brother or sister and wondering where the hell we're going to put her big girl bed when the baby out grows the bassinette and stressing about having to buy diapers for two and God knows whatever else ...but she’s not here for it and it's just so sad that she's not ..

For a bout a month now I have been wondering what the hell I was going to say to my dad.. Every time I spoke to my mother she would ask 'Did you tell your father'?... and my response 'Hell No'!.. My dad just has old-fashioned views when it comes to this type of thing and overall just doesn't get it.. I love him but he's just ignorant and I wouldn't dare put him in the same room with any of you. He has been known to say some really stupid stuff (StupidMan) and then I bite off his head.. I have a framed picture of Micah in my living room along with the rest of the kids and he once told me I needed to put her picture in my bedroom because it makes people uncomfortable (him of course) and I said we'll if it makes them feel uncomfortable then they can leave my house and they'll no longer be welcome here because if it comes down to me choosing my child or them... No matter who they are they'll lose. I'm not trying to hide the fact that I had a dead baby girl and her name was Micah and I don't want anyone to forget that she existed and is very much a part of this family and deserves to be up there in a frame just as much as the rest of the kids...It shut him right up.. So last night I called and told him the news and of course I got 'stupidman’.. DAD-'don't you and the boytoy know about contraceptives' (pronounced it completely wrong) ME-'What did you just say to me'? DAD-'Oh never mind, I just thought you were going to get married first' ME-' Dad I’m a thritysomthing year old grown a$$ woman you don't need to worry about that' DAD-'Sigh' So there's nothing wrong with you' ME-'sigh' No dad the doctors don't know what happened to Micah' DAD-'Who?' ME-'The baby dad..Your granddaughter that passed'.... OH GOD HELP US ALL!! He ended up coming by later he said because he was in the area and he brought my favorite food then he had a couple of beer and screamed at the TV while watching curling (don't ask) ... I love my dad and I know he means well.

A few weeks ago I got together with my 'Dear Friend' She is my friend I mentioned on my blog back in June who had complications during labor that so sadly resulted in her losing her daughter Waverly ...Well she and her husband are expecting again too and we're only a week a part.. We have been such a strong support to each other during everything now we get to be there thru this scary but exciting time with each other... I’m thankful for that and I’m so thankful for her